Seems like the resounding consensus about Jarrett I. Burgess is, he's horrible at communicating. To that I say, "Guilty as charged." But I can't understand why. If you know me, you'll notice that I would rather send a text than talk on the phone (that's pretty funny cause I just got text messaging back in December lol) or I would rather write about how I feel on certain matters in a blog than actually talk to someone about it. Now, since this was one of the factors that lead to the demise of a lengthy relationship, I have to get down to the bottom of this before I'm alone for the rest of my life.
First thing I decided, was to look into my past and see if there was some sort of traumatic event that lead to this. Only thing I can think of is a couple of beatings that I received for trying to express my opinion. This can hardly be classified as a traumatic event. (then again, every beating by John Burgess was traumatic lol)
Second, I had to ask myself, "Was I always like this?" and honestly, I really can't remember. I want to say no, but I don't want to lie to you all. Truth is, growing up, I never really talked about serious subjects that affected me. I would always internalize everything and try to advise myself. So, I guess that would be a yes to my question.
Finally, I have to ask myself, "What are the underlying issues that prevent me from communicating now?" Now, if we've ever had a conversation, you'd know that I interrupt myself alot. Okay, you might not understand what I mean, so let me explain. I have tons of thoughts running through my mind at any given moment. I always filter those thoughts because I don't want to say the wrong thing. (I hate it when people just whatever they want out of their mouth without thought and classify it as being "real") So I jump around from thought to thought picking and choosing how I want to deliver those thoughts. (Yes this explains why I talk the way I do lol) For this very reason, I choose to not say anything on certain matters because no one would ever understand what the hell I was talking about. This has greatly affected my life.
So, at this point, I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Jarrett, what does this have to do with me?" Wow! Are you really that selfish? lol It's apparent that I need some type of help. So if any of you have some sort of advice (or the number to a shrink lol) please help me out. I know this will be another post that guys will criticize but f*ck it, "It's Just My Thoughts, Just What I Was Feeling at the Time"
(Oh and I was serious about the shrink, 'cause I know a few of you would advise me to kill myself lol)
10 comments:
i'm confused. is the problem that you don't communicate because you're still internalizing thoughts as you did when you were a child or is the problem that your thoughts are jumbled and incoherent? clarification of exactly what your communication problems are! you don't express what you intend to express? people don't understand what you're trying to express? you don't express at all, but internalize?
I guess this post is indicative of the problems I'm having lol...I think it's a combination of all those things. Yes everything you named lol
damnit, jada! lmao- i can't help you. you need to let all those jumbled, coherent thoughts fall out until there are enough on the page to string a couple together and make some sense.
I think it goes way back to the male upbringing. It can be rough growing up as a black male because we have all of these natural human emotions but are usually prevented from expressing them because society tells us that it is unmanly to wear your heart on your sleeve. From the time that you were a little kid when your mom or dad told you, "Stop crying like a little girl" or "straighten up son" to the present day when society tries to sell you the idea that any man who is in touch with himself emotionally is queer in some form.
On the flip side, if what you are trying to say doesn't match up with the many thoughts running through your head, then take your time and pause like Obama does.....
"I do believe.... thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttt.... America is in a crisis..."
LOL
I think I'm the female version of you! And, becuase we are related I think it has alot to do with our upbringing. I am older than you and yes you have always been quiet. When we were young we as children were taught to be seen not heard, that could be a part of it. But we have cousins and siblings that are loud, wild, and make sure everyone knows how they feel even if it sounds crazy. I think between you, yaya, and me, the three of us need a shrink! lol I know for myself I have the same problem when I speak I'm all over the place with my conversation, which frustrates me and the people that I'm talking too. But it comes from years and years of holding things in. You have to let it out I ruined a relationship for a lack of communication but luckily got it back after some years. See what I'm talking about I'm all over the place. Well anyway starting talking it will get better, express yourself don't worry about sounding crazy or hurting someones feelings. If they are acting like an ass say it, if you are unhappy express it! Life is too short to hold stuff in, how will people get to really know you, really know your likes and dislikes if you don't say it! Your life will be less stressful if you just let it out! When you find a shrink let me know lol! I'm only serious! And,I would never tell you to go kill urself!
J...i have the exact smae issues...i still havent found the answer so when u do don't forget about me lol
Ebony the Gemini :)
Jarrett you need to understand that in life people are not going to like what you are saying…because either it’s the truth (and people don’t like the truth) or in their mind what you are saying is just straight up ignorant. You know that I express myself freely but now to the point where I don’t insult the hell out of people lol. It’s nothing wrong with saying what’s on your mind! That’s how you feel, and when you don’t release you hold it all in, get all blue and hard on the inside, and then sooner or later you just explode LOL! When you hold things in you just become bitter and hate yourself for not keeping it 100! If someone doesn’t understand what you are saying…maybe they are slow
I have known you for years, and what I have noticed is that a lot of people don’t respect your opinions, because you allow them to walk all over you. Yes, I must say that you have gotten A LOT better, but I still see you leaving somethings alone just so that you can stay neutral! But then that just makes people understand you less.
From high school I remember you allowing people to say ignorant things to you and you not standing up for yourself. It use to piss me off to the point where when you would leave I would dig into people’s asses! I remember someone saying that if he ain’t got the heart to say what’s really his mind he deserve what people are dishing out. Just know that I did end up choking him lol!
Even recently, I have seen you in situations where what was really needed was “I’m going to put you in your place 101”, and you could have…but you didn’t! It’s so funny because it’s in those times where I see the wheels turning in your head, but nothing comes out of your mouth!
You try to keep the peace, and in your efforts to do so you sell out. No, everything that comes to your mind should not come out your of your mouth in its uncensored form, but it should come out! It is who you really are, and if people don’t like it then that’s too damn bad. That’s life! Life is not about walking on eggshells to make people happy, its about being true to yourself and what you truly believe in.
As I told you once when we were talking about me becoming the person I am today, I didn’t know who I really was until I realized that who I had become was something I developed to protect myself from my previous experiences. I thought I was developing a way to fight back! What I had become was that person that annoyed me the most. Growing up is about facing problems and finding a way to solve them…the only problem is, as a child we don’t understand the problem or how to truly solve it, so we think avoidance or hardening ourselves is the best solution. Reality is…it just causes us to have to spend time in our adult lives trying to go back and correct them.
It is going to take some brutal honesty to get real answers to explain your issues…you’re going to have to face the things that you fear most! You have to start tearing down the fear, anxiety, and animosity and or whatever else there is in your heart before you will begin to understand who Jarrett truly is…
I know you have it in because I have seen bits and pieces of it…do you think I would begin the process of developing a business with a sissy, hell naw LOL? I know there is more to you than what everybody else sees. But you have to see that…and start being you!
If no one were looking what would you do? If there were no one around to judge you what would you do? (Let me guess write a blog? Lol, how long have you wanted to do something like this?) What do you dream about doing?
When I talk to you, I feel like I don’t always get the real you…and that frustrates me, because I know there is so more to you and hell, I want some damn honesty! I’m tried of fake people that just tell me what I want to hear lol! Real friends keep it real! And remember… reality is always the best remedy!
And for the record, I don’t give a damn if this is too long LOL you better read it all…:-)
Wow this is interesting! When i first met you i just assumed you were a quite guy (i mean i can be a little rambunctious at times (i blame it on being a gemini) which can be a little scary at first sight lol).
However once i began conversing with you on the regular..in and out of classes.. i realized that i became thoughtfully intrigued by some of our conversations.
See, i like to converse with people who can intellectually stimulate my mind and allow me to look at subjects from different point of views. One of the reasons why i have grown so fond of you!
So, don't stop expressing yourself...just start talking. Let it all out whenever necessary. If your speaking to someone who can keep the communication process flowing they'll help you to understand more of your thoughts to which may make you feel more comfortable in communicating openly to others.
Btw, i hope you overcome this ummm phobia, if i may say, because you are one of the few good men that i know who has a lot to offer. So, don't let this get the best of you!
Personally I never thought of you having a problem...probaly because we are much alike in that aspect...but me see-sawing on both sides of the fence. On some things I am very open and frank...I am that person that sometimes stops to think of the outcome of the comment that shoots out my mouth...while also being the person that internalizes serious emotions and feelings. I never want to seem girly or overemotional and I can tie it all to my upbringing. And I also shuffle through my thoughts and they come out of my mouth crazy but then I take a breath and organize my thoughts. But in my pursuit of freedom...I am trying to be better. But to change a habit is hard. Sunday we talked about so much..and you seemed normal. So it is possible. What it may be is fear...of what...it can only be discovered by you.
As you pointed out, communication is a very important component of all relationships and when it is lacking, can be very detrimental. Based on the examples you provided, I wouldn’t say that you have a major issue in this area…at least, no more so than most of us. In actuality, I see a lot of commonality between your communication style and my own (hmmm…maybe that’s really why I don’t think you have an issue lol). I tend to internalize things as well…sometimes to a point where it doesn’t make sense. For example, there was a time when I called myself not speaking to two of my friends because I had decided that I was upset about some aspects of our friendship. Instead of doing the normal thing and discussing it with them, I just stopped calling. The funny thing was that one of the friends continued to call me and I would just do a lot of “mmm hm’s and uh huh’s” during the “conversation”. I don’t remember how we actually resolved everything, but come to find out, she didn’t even realize that I was upset at her! (This of course, frustrated me even more lol) I haven’t quite figured out why I choose to hold certain things in and if I do decide to open up about them, it’s usually not to the person it involves. All I can say is that since I’m conscious of my communication issue in this area, I’m trying to make an effort not to let it ruin relationships that I value.
In respect to filtering your thoughts, I think that’s a good thing as long as you’re able to get your point across in the end (actually, sometimes silence is golden ;). There are some (most of my friends…ha!) who are very emotional, reactive, and downright explosive, which prevents them from exhibiting the type of restraint that we can. This emotion oftentimes causes them to say things in a manner that’s counterproductive or hurtful that can’t be taken back (as they say, the tongue is mightier than the sword) and to utilize a lot of unnecessary energy. Now, that’s not to say that sometimes it isn’t necessary to let someone have it! I tend to be a very patient person and often choose my words wisely. The few times I intentionally strayed away from my norm only ended up hurting me (I guess I deserved it because I was trying to be hurtful to someone else).
So…like myself, I’m sure that there are areas of your communication that you can improve and I’m confident that you will. Sometimes it’s ok to keep your deepest thoughts/concerns to yourself, but it’s also a great feeling to be able to express them to someone you trust. I know that may seem difficult because it means exposing your insecurities, but it may just be the therapy you need :)
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