I truly appreciate all the women that read this blog. Regardless if you agree or disagree with my "cynical", over-the-top views, your support is the reason I continue to write. Thanks!
With that being said, I kind of wish that more men would read and comment, so that I can have a range of views that confirm or deny my personal point of view. It's cool. I guess the fact that I'm privy to information that most women aren't will suffice.
After reading the comments under, 'Long Live The Chase', it appears that the resounding theme is that women don't want to play games. I understand this viewpoint. Who really WANTS to play games? Nobody! Not consciously anyway. But let's dig into the concept of "playing games". What the hell does that actually mean? I'm sure we all have our own definition, but I take it to mean that you aren't being entirely honest in what you want out of the interaction AND your actions are contrary to your words. If you were to take that meaning, how many of you would be guilty of "playing games"? ((Looks for hands to raise then steps back and waits on lightening for the self-righteous folks who kept their hands at their side)) (Sidenote: If you aren't willing to be honest with yourself please stop reading. There's no reason to waste your time)
Didn't really follow that? Okay, scenario time!
Scenario #1- Boy meets girl. Boy expresses interest in girl, but tells girl that he isn't looking to be in a relationship. Girl says that she isn't looking to be in one either and dating commences. Days, weeks, months later girl feels like her and boy are in a relationship, but boy still isn't looking to be in a relationship. Girl gets mad and confronts boy and the dating is dissolved.
Now, who would you say is playing games? It's cool, I'll let that one simmer.
Now that we have "playing games" (I can certainly take your personal meaning in the comment section, which I'm sure will lead to a follow up post) out of the way, let's get back to the point.
This is what I mean when I say "keep him chasing". Scenario time yet again.
Scenario #2- Boy and girl start dating and after months of getting to know one another thoroughly, Boy and Girl mutually agree to be in a committed relationship. Girl is so excited to have a man, that she changes certain behavioral patterns that she had during the dating phase. Girl doesn't go out with her friends anymore. Girl is always readily accessible to Boy. Girl wants to be up under Boy ALL the time. Boy likes this for a while, then realizes that this isn't exciting him. (Honest time) Boy starts to go out and receive attention from Other Girls. Boy still loves girl, but isn't excited by Girl.
Seems to me like Boy is about to get himself into some trouble.
I'm sure the women reading this post are thinking to themselves, "Wow! Niggas ain't shit!" (Total assumption) That assessment could possibly be fair, but where's the merit? I just described a situation that occurs more often than a man would like to admit, but the thing is: Most men don't even understand this about themselves! I'm sure that their's only a small population of men who have thought deep enough on this issue; and an even smaller number are willing to be honest about it.
Back to the topic. Having a man continue to chase isn't a bad thing. Who really wants to be in a stale relationship? I know I don't and I'm almost certain that you don't. My point is for you as women to do things to keep us engaged and excited. Go out with your friends. Don't immediately respond to our text messages. Allow us to miss you. Let us be the aggressors. We need that as men to stay engaged. Call it "playing games" if you must, but I can't imagine a guy who loves you not wanting to stay in a relationship if you're keeping it exciting.
At the end of the day, I just want to improve the relations between men and women. It is my belief that we either aren't being honest with ourselves or we aren't being honest with each other. I have already decided to follow up on this post to answer some of the unanswered questions that are still looming. Well, unless you all feel like I'm beating a dead horse (Oh Seabiscuit! :'-( ) Again, I appreciate all of you for reading and I look forward to your comments.
9 comments:
Good stuff man! Death to the first scenario haha.
I don't think its playing games at all. I'm sure we all want to keep the man we're interested in interested in us. I think that some women just confuse keeping a man interested with being "too available". More often than not we women forget how unavailable we were prior to the relationship. We're taught how attract a man, and how to keep him once we have him, but we're taught this by women, not men. So most of us aren't aware that we left some of our "single" behaviors behind which attracte
Many times a woman abandons certain aspects of her life as soon as she gets into a relationship. In fear of losing her man, she puts him first and dedicates her all to him. This sounds like the thing to do, but little does she know, she may very well be pushing him away. I've seen it before ((PAUSE)) let's be honest, I'm guilty. But with that guilt came an eye opening revelation. Getting to the "relationship" status is just the beginning. It's important to keep things exciting. Don't make the relationship your life; you should each have one outside of each other. Don't get comfortable and lose sight of what brought you two together in the first place. I've learned my lesson however with no hard feelings or regrets. Just one of those experiences in this thing called "life" that prepares us to be a better self in the future. Nice one sir!!!
This post provides clarity. I think the confusion is related to semantics and people's interpretation of what "the chase" is.
To many, "the chase" means that it's a game of cat and mouse the entire time. Here you clarified that "the chase" includes giving your man or interest some space to do his thing and continuing to help him understand that time with you is precious and not something that is freely earned; it's something to be cherished. I would venture to say that men should do the same thing. We all could use a lesson in learning how to appreciate the loved ones in our lives. (Well not me because I'm pretty amazing at that, but everyone else...)
I get what you're saying now. Much appreciated.
Nice post. Question: Do men every "chase" women just to see if they can get that woman and, if so, why? I believe some men do and that's where the problem lies (i.e., playing games). I think some men may pursue a woman not because they are interested in potentially starting a relationship with that woman or even really trying to get to know her for that matter. Rather it is about a sense of accomplishment that "he got her". And I think that's when women say "I'm too old for these games". I do agree that both parties need to have their own interests outside of the relationship. And I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with either person taking some time to "miss" the other. But I do think it's important that if a man is pursuing a woman (or if a woman is allowing herself to be pursued) that both parties intentions are genuine and pure. Peace.
Men definitely chase women just to see if they can get them. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not guilty of this. I wish i could offer you a reason other than it's innate, but that's all I have. It's less about the woman as an individual and more about the scenario. The sad part about it is some men do a great job of expressing sincerity. I think a woman who's on her P's and Q's can navigate the b*llsh#t if she really tries. Your head can't be in the clouds though.
Good post Burgess. I must say I agree that we ladies often do change our schedules and become overly available. I know I've made that mistake-made it one time and paid dearly. I've learned two major lessons
A- you've got to always be real with yourself(even when those feeling do change) and constantly reflect
B-you've got to keep doing you while making room for him/we
Keeping these two things in mind saves you from a world of problems.
Although this is from a male's perspective, I find that from a female's perspective, the man also stops doing some of the things he did in the beginning (to woo the woman), once the "chase" is over as you refer to it. So since you suggest that the woman still hang with her friends, not make herself readily available all the time, and be slow to responding to text messages, what you do think the man could do to keep the chase alive?
I can honestly say that I can cosign for much that is being said here, but at the end of the day, communication is the key! Like the concept of Musiq Soulchild's song "Teach Me", we all need to be teaching one another how we want and need to be loved, appreciated, and treated.
Life is nothing but a learning experience! We go through all these instances, scenarios and relationships to help mold us into the people that we are meant to become.
Thank you for the comment, Ms. Shay! I certainly agree that men often stop doing the things that they did in the beginning to "woo" a woman. But that is a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" argument. As much as I like to think I haven't done this, I would be lying if I said I hadn't. In most cases I believe it was because something changed. I wouldn't say that I was one to shy away from responsibility, but when you have the freedom to do things without obligation they're more rewarding. I'm sure that makes me sound like some type of commitment-phobe, but think about it: If you're dating a guy and he got sick and you asked him,"Do you need me to something?" and he says,"Yes, can you wash my clothes?" you probably wouldn't have a problem with it. But, if after dating a few months he looks at you crazy for not washing his clothes, you would probably feel some sort of way. I know that scenario is a bit extreme, but it was to illustrate levels of appreciation. That is lost over time. We get so accustomed to someone treating us a certain way that we just expect it without much appreciation.
Wow! I could do an entire post with just that. lol Anyway, to answer your intial question, Ms. Shay: I can only give my perspective. I would have to ask you what a man could do to keep the chase alive?
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